D-Day: The Breast Invasion

I really hope you get the silly title.  I love the History Channel or really just H2 because the History channel is all Ancient Aliens and Pawn Stars.  I could write a whole 'nother blog on Ancient Alien theories ----so I must move on.

So, January 17 we did not have to be at the hospital until 9:00.  So we were able to get out kids - Madeline and Drew off to school regular.  Drew caught the bus and my lovely friend Roseanne - who I also work with took Madeline.

Then John took a shower and I sat down to read more of my book.  Steve Berry's "The Alexandria Link."  I had read it before but it was my get away.  Mindless reading to pass the time.  We left the house at 8:15.  Stopped at Skymart for gas and the Tupelo paper.  Got 3 copies of the Tupelo paper because my name was in it for achieving my National Boards.

Now, I have to say that we had been having wintery weather all week.  Mostly sleet and freezing rain, but for today the forecast had called for snow.  Since we live in the south, snow is still the best thing ever for winter.  If it barely sticks to the road there is no school and usually a run on milk, bread, and wine.  About 5:30 on the 17th it had started to snow.  And the flakes got bigger and bigger.

This is what the house looked like when the kids went to school.  But, no snow day for them.  It did not stick to the roads.

The reason I am mentioning the snow is because I took this as a sign that I needed to calm down and everything was going to be ok.  See, since I was a little kid I have always loved the weather, but snow is my favorite.  The conditions have to be perfect to make the flakes.  They are delicate and beautiful.  And snow is the only precipitation that is silent.

When I was little my Daddy would turn on the patio light and put a chair in front of the door so I could watch it snow.  There is nothing prettier than snow.  I remember doing this the night my sister way born.

So, the snow was sent to me and it made me smile even though I had never been so scared in my life.
Thank you God for the snow!!!  I really enjoyed it!

So we get to the hospital.  check in, sit and wait.  My parents show up and we all realize that everyone is dressed all matchy-matchy except for me.  I just had on jeans and a gray fleece, but everyone else had on a off shade of green:  Daddy's sweater, Mama's jacket and John's fleece.  Mama kept her jacket off most of the time because she did not want to look like her and Daddy purposely dressed the same.

Brother Johnny comes by and we talk and wait.  Then we pray and he must go see someone else.  We thank him.  I have to say it is weird to be the focus of prayers and hear them.  They are so heartfelt that I cry even now when I think of them.

So I might just list out here the order of things and not make complete sentences and just remarks because the 2 or 3 people that read this are probably bored.  So

Finally , go back and I change - disappointed to know I have to remove my underwear, but happy to get the disposable undies - if you have had a baby you know - they are great!

sit around and wait - to blood pressure, temperature, and then get IV - which took a while because my left arm sucks and they can't use my right - took two people and hurt and it gave me a big bruise - but they were very good nurses.

sat a bit and then it got quiet so I listened to Pink Floyd comfortably numb - because I was going to be that way soon and that song makes me relax

finally go to radiology to have a guide wire inserted into the tumor - I loved having Tabitha there!!  She came to be with me to do this and it made all the difference.  It did not hurt - doc came in and do it.  The weird part was this table was huge and I had to lie pretty much face down and then place my right breast through the hole in the table and then have like a mini mammo to stick the tumor.  Nice way to make a first impression with the radiologist whom I had never met.

Then to surgery- this is where I got silly.  I sent my glasses back to John.  So I was riding blind in the wheelchair.  I apologized to the nurses in the back that I was squinting at them because I could not see.  They were both pretty funny because they walked up and showed me there name tags and spoke very slowly - so we were all acting silly.

Met Dr. Morrison - the anetheisiologist - nice guy.  He asked me if I had ever been put to sleep and had any problem, so I went into this long story about the time I had surgery and in recovery I saw some mayo and tomatoes on a sandwich and then I threw up.  I told him I did not know if it was the drugs or the mayo and tomato, but that I really did not want to throw up.  He said he would give me something for that.  

He also gave me something to take the edge off.  By this time I was talking 90 to nothing about everything and everybody.  I even almost fell trying to get on the rolling bed from the wheelchair.  The nurses commented that I did not need to fall because if I hit my head that would be a lot of paperwork to fill out.

So I get to rollin' to the OR and I remember moving onto the operating table.  I was covered up with blankets and then strapped down.  I think I asked them if people roll around a lot.  At this point I do not think I had a voice inside my head.  Everything came out so when they strapped my arms to boards coming off the table I asked them if I was being crucified.  So I am pretty sure that they were getting tired of me asking stupid questions, but the straw that broke their backs was this question.

"Why are you putting egg crates on my hand?  Do you think I will hit you in surgery?"

After this I was given the mask thingy and told to breathe deep.  I think I was still trying to talk and I was told to breathe deeper.  I think the nurse had a tone this time!  But I did not care....

I had become comfortably numb!

Insert Miscellaneous Post Here

This is going to be a rambling post of other stuff I forgot to include plus what I did the 3 days at school waiting to have my surgery.

So,  here is what I did at school.  I played it cool and we measured worms.  Yep, you heard me.  I have about 43 Helicoverpa zea.  I am one of the teachers taking part in the USDA Young Scientist Program.  Each of my students has a worm and we are charting their growth through the larva stage and gauging the date the worms would pupate, or turn into a pupa.

I also needed to finish my Teacher of the Year packet that was due on Tuesday by the close of business day.  The funny part of this was that I started sleeting - again and the entire district would be closed by 1:30.  Students left at 12:15.  So I did get to leave my school about 15 minutes early to drop off the packet.  And just FYI - the thing is like 20 pages typed!!  Hello, almost an entry for National Boards.

I also needed to help Madeline finish assembling her science project board.  The science project long finished, but the board was plain orange.  So that was finished on Tuesday night.  Her project is pretty cool too.  We made a scale model of The Price Is Right Plinko Board.  It was great fun.

During class the other days we just went on about our schedule.  Math and science.  Talked about plate tectonics and number theory.

I have to say that if I back up to the weekend I left out one important aspect.  I had not told my parents, my brother or my sister not one word of what was going on.  Was this a mistake?  Probably not.  I have to say that if you know your family really well like I do mine you know how people operate.  My parents, Beth and Rupe,  would be worried sick and calling the house wanting to know what was going on.  That was an outside stressor I could not handle at the moment.  My sister, Claire, would be sad and would want to help but there was nothing she could really do.  We were all just waiting.  My brother, Allen, lives in Hernando and he would be concerned, but he could do nothing either. 

So I waited until Sunday before the surgery and told them.  All were very sad and concerned, but understood why I had not told them.  I look back and wonder if I should have done that differently and I do not really know.  Obviously, they are up to date now.

I also would be remiss if I did not mention my school family who had been very supportive and praying for me the entire time.  Shout outs go to Heather, Alecia, Gene, Judy, and Lucy for being there.

Also, I have a very special group of "imaginary friends" on Facebook.  I have not met these people and they live all over the country and some in the UK and Austrailia.  Our common bond is Walt Disney World, but the bond is really much deeper than that.  I had literally hundreds of messages of love and support from the Liners;).  Know that it will never be forgotten.

On Wednesday night after typing out the longest sub plans ever.  I needed to make me a playlist for my iPhone.  I was pretty much making the modern version of a "mix tape" from the 80's.  This time I was making a surgery mix tape.  All the good people were invited as well as the weird stuff.  The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Van Morrison, Pink Floyd.  Then the weird - The Rivingtons, Hansen, Golden Earring.  Some people like watching their "stories".  I have always had a love of music so I took my stuff to the hospital with me!

From The Waiting to the Epiphany

I took this day off.  I did not think I could teach and wait on Peggy the nurse to call me. 

I slept for a while and then  I slunk to the den to sit in the recliner - to wait.

Tom Petty said the waiting is the hardest part,  and yes it is. 

I finally Peggy called at 3:30 and said that the surgery would not be Monday and would be Thursday instead.  I could come by the office on Monday after work to get more info and paperwork.

Holy cow.... how much waiting is required of me!!!

So, I really needed to start getting myself together.  The next day - the 12th - we were going to pick up our son Drew from the airport.  Drew had been in Bogota, Colombia, at the Inter-America Scout Jamboree for 12 days.  I wanted to see him and hear all about his trip, but I was battling a demon of my own making.

At this time, I did not know I had cancer.  It was basically a lumpectomy.  I had some issues I needed to get over and fast.  I was sucking the life out of myself and my family.

So, as John and Madeline and I were moseying around the hunting store in Southaven I had to decide.  Over a cabinet of pistols I decided that my attitude was going to make or break me.  If I sat around all sad-sack and being a weiney or I could do what I knew I would do.  Get over it and move on.

I have a life to live and that life is here with me now.  My husband and family love me and need me, ME!  Fun jackie!  Fun Mommy!  not pitiful, whiney Jackie.

So I decided to live!  Was I still afraid?  Yea - but you know I can do that afraid.  So,  just do it afraid. 

Sunday was liberating!  I listened to music again - which always makes me feel better.  having fun working on Madeline's science project .  I got to be me.

Did this change what was going to happen?  That I do not know, but I do know that it made a difference in myself and my attitude.  My new motto is:

Calcitraera asinus, tolle nominibus, et carpe diem.

Latin for - Kick ass, take names, and sieze the day!

Forever a Latin Buster!!!!

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

I am going to put a big ol' cuss word here - Holy Shit.  The places your mind goes when you have fear of the unknown.

From Jan 8th to the 10th was very long.  I did not get to even celebrate Jimmy Page's birthday.  I so love the guitarist for Led Zepellin, but I had to skip it this year.  His birthday is January the 9th.  He was born a few years after Elvis.  Mentioning this just in case you needed to know.  This info does come in handy at times.

So I was told that it would be Thursday before I heard so I was ok on Wednesday.  Just not in the celebrating Jimmy's birthday mood.  As Thursday drew on and I got no call of the all clear, I grew more quiet.  Even Gene asked me if I was ok because I was quiet.  I am usually not very quiet.

I need to mention my friend Brandi here.  She teaches across the hall from me.  The same time I was having my biopsy on the 8th - she was having her CT.  Brandi was diagnosed with endometriosis and they had found a cancerous tumor in her uterus.    She is younger than me.  She was having a total hysterectomy on Monday the 13th.  So I was trying to busy myself to help her and convince our buddy Pat to sub for her the 2-3 weeks she would be out.  Brandi is just about as stubborn as me.  She came on back to school for 3 days and got everything together and was ready to face it.  She knew what she was facing.  (she is doing good now - more later)  She was and still is an inspiration.

So at the end of school I go home and call to get a refill on some medication from Dr. Henderson and then about 15 min later Henderson calls me back.  He tells me that my biopsy was negative, but they think the spot was not hit.

Henderson said that he had talked with Roth and Byars and they were all very concerned that "we" needed to proceed further.  He stated that Roth called the mass "spiculated".  I took this as "OMG, they think I have cancer and I am going to die!"  Henderson was calm and reassuring and said he trusted Byars and would let him operate on his wife or daughters.  He assured me that Byars would call. 

I looked up spiculated and of course it came up with breast cancer and that 80% of these types of masses were cancerous. 

So I called John and said come home.  He did and sat with me and took over household duties because all I could do was lie down and cry and have the feeling of impending doom.  We told the kids that  I felt sick and that worked. 

Byars finally called at 8:30 and explained that he needed to perform a lumpectomy to determine if the mass was malignant or benign.  If it was malignant then he would proceed to take out lymph nodes to stage the cancer.  We could have the surgery Monday and his nurse would call me tomorrow.

Great - more waiting.

Elvis' Birthday - Part II

So, let's just skip the whole freak out and not eat at lunch stuff.  Just know that I kinda just stared at my food and half ass taught a bit of my afternoon class then left.

Got to Dr. Byars' office - did the usual paperwork stuff and waiting around.  I played solitaire on my phone because it is mindless.

When I was called back I got the pleasure of being weighed - yay- and then my blood pressure taken.  It was high for me 140 something was the top number.  This is high for me.  I told the nurse, whose name I forget, I was scared to death.  She said she would be too.

She started getting out  instruments and John and I thought I was there for a consultation for a biopsy.  She said if he can do it today he will.

Byars came in and introduced himself.  We had met before.  I had taught his kids in school while I was in the science lab.  His wife is on the school board.  He did an examination and could not feel anything.  I did not say this earlier - but neither could Henderson.  He proceed with his ultrasound and he could see it.

So, they started to give me Lidocaine and numb me up good because the biopsy was a go.  During this time John needed to leave.  Not because he was asked, but because Byars and his nurse did not need to worry about picking him up off the floor when they gave me a shot.  John is a great and good man, but needles and thing are not his thing.

So, they stuck this instrument in my breast about the size of a ballpoint pen.  Used the ultrasound to locate it and then clicked the pen to get the needle sample.  then I was bandaged and sent back to school.  I was fine with the pain.  There was not much.

I do need to insert here that I was told that I would feel some discomfort and might feel some pain.  I might have said "ooo" once.  I was too busy looking at the ultrasound.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance and so it was not that much of a deal.  The nurse was amazed at how I dealt.  She said that she has had to hold people down to do it.  I told her that that was just plain silly.

I then started playing the waiting game.  I lose this game every freaking time!  I am such a bad player too.

Elvis' Birthday

My second mammogram was on Elvis' Birthday.  I could go way off on a tangent here- the story about the time I dressed up as Elvis,  my lifetime membership at Graceland Too, the time we invited Elvis Aron Presley McLeod to our Super Bowl party.

My appointment was at 9:15 and I got checked it and was a bit nervous.  A girl (we are all girls) named Tabitha who I was acquainted with was my tech.  The procedure took just a  minute or two.  I stayed in the room because I was suppose to have an ultrasound also.

She came back in and what she told me scared the shit out of me.  She told me that I could go ahead and get dressed because I was needed to talk with the radiologist and then make an appointment to see a surgeon because I needed a biopsy.  As I got dressed I was crying but trying to hold it in.  Tabitha was ever so sweet and reassuring telling me that a biopsy doesn't mean that is awful.

She took me down the hall to see Dr. Roth.  He introduced himself.  I told him I taught at the school where his youngest son went.  He was very nice, but was very concerned about my films.  He showed me the x-ray and I could see the spot.  It looked like an ink blot.  When he was through explaining that it was something that needed further investigation, he said "Good Luck".  Those 2 words kinda freaked me out.  Did I need luck?  Why did he really say it?

Next I new Tabitha was telling me that Dr. Henderson's office would be calling me to set up an appt with a surgeon.  I left and got into the van started crying and called John.  Of course John was reassuring and supportive and said to call him when I had the appt.

I get back to school and go crying to Martha, my principal and then I go cry to Heather.  Next thing I knew I had my call from Dr. Henderson and there was an appt to see  Dr. Byars at 1:30.  I called John and he was meeting me there.

Now I have to say that my memory is usually very precise, but I start to get fuzzy here.  I know I told my other BFFs Kathryn and Allison, but I do not know when.   I want to just say that sometime that morning they knew about what was going on.  Their prayers were with me the whole time. 

Once Upon A Time......

in a galaxy far, far away.  Oops, sorry wrong story.

So my story starts with the Mayan Apocalypse.    December 21, 2012. 

 School had just let out for Christmas the day before and it was our first full day out.  I went to have my yearly visit with Dr. Henderson (who's father incidentally delivered me 41 years ago).  I had skipped my appt the year before and so needed to get it done.

I had never had a mammogram before so I was more concerned about the pain than anything else.  Even more concerned that Doc would get on to me because I had gained weight.  Mammo did not hurt.  I was surprised that it was that painless.  The automatic blood pressure deals are 10x more painful that a mammo.

I was also curious to the fact that I needed to make sure I wiped off the deodorant under my arms.  From a science teacher point of view I thought that was strange.

Rest of visit was uneventful.  I went home - made Christmas cookies.  Enjoyed the weekend and had Christmas with my family.

A few days later I received my letter from the office and it said my mammo was abnormal.  One of my BFFs Heather was at the house, and being a former radiology tech I asked her and she said since it was your first not to worry yet because it was probably dense tissue and they are being overly cautious.

So I called and got my next mammo appt at the diagnositic center  on Jan 8th.  It was a Tuesday and I had it scheduled so that I could run up there while my students were at specials and I would be right back.

I was still not very concerned or scared.

I look back now and think I was an idiot.