Hi Ho, Hi Ho .....

Going back to work was really not a big deal.  I do not like people to tell me what to do and I had been off work 2 days and had a 3 day weekend.  So why not go back to work.  No one said I couldn't.  Just like when no one told me to stay in the bed in the delivery room after having Madeline.  Everyone was gone to see her, so I got out of bed and went to find the nursery.  I scared the crap out of my nurses because I had disappeared.  No one told me to stay put.

Basically, this is a non-interesting post.  I sat in my rollie chair and  greeted my kids.  I taught them from another chair, and then my student teacher taught math.  This went on for a few days.

Yes, I did get tired.  Yes, I moved slow.  Yes, my boob hurt when I walked.  But what are you gonna do, sit around.

The worst part about being at school was dealing with the drain.  At home I just clipped the thing to my belt loop and let the tubing hang out a bit.  At school, I had to hide it.  The kids would be grossed out.  So once during school I would go measure the drainage and come back to class.

Measuring the drainage was important.    When the drainage got down to a certain amount I could get it out.  So I had a sheet of paper tucked in my pocket and wrote down the data.  Yes, it was data.  I kept it just in case I had to prove that it was low.

While we are talking about the drain, imagine having to shower with it.  I could not let it hang because it pulled.  It was sewn into my side.  I also could not let my breast be unsupported.  Luckily, I could sit in the shower and do my best.  I tried to get as clean as I could because I couldn't wear deodorant on the right side, so soaping up was the best I could do.

Driving was fun.  I put a beach towel in the car as padding.  I drove one time without it and it was uncomfortable.

These days passed.  Late January is really not that exciting.  We did have the science fair.  Very proud of Madeline.  She won 1st place in Engineering, Computers, and Math.  She experimented on the odds of PLINKO.  I love the Price Is Right.

I always wanted to be on the Price Is Right.  I have always wanted to know if the Big Wheel you spin to get in the Showcase Showdown was heavy.

I am so hungry!!!!

John and I had a nice drive home - I do not really remember it, but I was texting my friend Heather so that Madeline could come on home.

Heather is a bestie.  She cooked up supper and had gotten my daughter home from school and helped her with her homework.  She was with me when I opened my letter from my first mammo and now she was here when it was over.

I was starving!  Heather made Poppy Seed Chicken, rice, green beans.  It was great!  I ate a lot - and did not get sick.  Another bestie, Alecia, fixed some brownies.  it was awesome !!!

We talked about the surgery and then decided to venture into the bathroom with Heather to go check out my armpit.  We had already peaked at my other scar.

Holy Cow !!!! No wonder my armpit hurt.  It was cut from one side to the other.  And it looked angry!

My armpit will be a source of a lot of funnies to come.

Finally time to go to bed and it was interesting.  I could only lie on my back or left side.  Which pretty much sucks wind because I am a stomach sleeper or sleep on my right side with my right arm extended.  I could hardly move my right arm, much less raise my hand.

So, I just decided to medicate myself with Loratab and knock myself out.  It worked pretty good until the itchies come. I am allergic to the codeine in the Loratab.  Nice. 

So, over the next 4 days I convalesced (a word I have never used by the way) at home.  I became ambidextrous and  became acquainted with the drain.  A source of evil and pain.

Our house had also had an enormous amount of great food all brought by my wonderful friends.  I visited with my friends and neighbors and put the news on Facebook.

I am sure some of you wonder why I put it on Facebook.  I was not excited to have cancer and was surely not boasting about it.  I have friends all over the country and they needed to know.  My imaginary Disney Liner friends were praying for me too. 

I also wanted to make sure people went to go get their mammogram.  It is a must!



And one last little piece of wonderful news that happened the day after surgery.  My lymph nodes were negative.  All 14.  Wow.  Something good was happening.

Here I lie, in my.......

 

hospital bed.  Tell me, Sister Morphine, when are you coming round again.


I think being knocked out for surgery is interesting.  I mean, you really have no freaking clue what went on that hour you were gassed.  And then "BAM!"  you wake up in pain.

The concept of time was lost from meeting the Anetheisiologist to leaving the hospital.  It all seemed like 30 minutes, but it was hours.  I must have moaned because I was asked if I was in pain and I nodded my head, so I was given something in my IV.  If it was morphine it would be quite funny but it probably was not.

The first thing I asked was "lymph node".  The reason was that I was very aware that my right arm pit hurt like hell and that was not a good sign.  I had known that they would not take nodes if the biopsy was not cancerous so if I woke up to arm pit pain then I knew I had cancer.  The nurse said yes they took lymph nodes, so I knew I had cancer.  At the same time Dr. Byars was telling John that I did have breast cancer, they got clear margins, and the lymph nodes looked grossly fine.  Which meant while he was eyeballing them they did not look sick.  John was worried on how to tell me I had cancer, but I already knew.  I did not tell him my reasoning until 3 days later.

Everything was very fuzzy.  I do not even remember being rolled back into the post-op room were I started pre-op.  I remember being in recovery for about 1 second.  The next time I think I was in the post -op room which was the same as pre-op .  I do remember not wanting the pulse thingy on my finger.  They would clampt it on and I would flick it off.  I know I did this at least twice.

I also did not like the oxygen tube things up my nose.  I heard a nurse say that my O2 level was not where it should be.  I also know that twice I pulled the tubes out of my nose and placed them on my forehead just to have them put back.

Let's go back to the top of this post with my song.  In my Hospital Playlist  I had the aforementioned song.  I really did feel like that song sounds - hard to explain.  It is kinda like drinking a pina colada and knowing that it tastes that sunscreen smells.  I weird blend of senses that apparently only occurs if you are on drugs or drinking.

So then time passes - I was thirsty so I had ice and some water.  In my "go to the hospital bag" I packed my own Diet Dr. Pepper.  The nurses were not real keen on me having it, but agreed.  It tasted so great!  More time passes and then this wonderful lady comes in and talks to me.

Kerry Heinz is an angel.  A walking, breathing, real life angel. She came in and told me that my life just changed and I was a fighter.  I became part of a club.  She told me that I could no longer eat crappy foods, or drink what she called "cancer in a can" my diet Dr. Pepper.  I need to get out there and be a Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior.  Walk, lose weight, eat right, pray.

She is a fighter herself.  She is currently battling Stage IV Breast Cancer, but she is not wallering in saddness.  She is out there taking time out of her day and talks to every woman that is diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I can't say enough nice things about her.

I have to mention here that I had a drain in my body.  WTH - I was not warned about this.  Nasty - gross.  I know I did not research much on the surgery due to the finding out too much info, but lord have mercy someone should have told me about this.  There will be more info on this later.

After she leaves it was about time for me to go home.  I sit up and OOooo - I did not feel so good.  There was some rumbly in my tumbly.  I get a wet rag to place on my head while the nurse helps me dress.  I can't really move my right arm.

Well, then it is time - I need the garbage can and I throw up - of course it was my Diet Dr. Pepper. 

I ask for some phenegren, but my nurse said that it would have to be in suppository form.  Now that I had the grasp of my senses I so eloquently said " We are not sticking anything up my butt."

Nice nurse lady said if I had a shot I would have to stay 30 more minutes, my reply was "go get the shot!"

So I get my shot, lie down in my clothes, and feel all woozy again and wait 30 min.

Finally, I get to go home - woo hoo.   

D-Day: The Breast Invasion

I really hope you get the silly title.  I love the History Channel or really just H2 because the History channel is all Ancient Aliens and Pawn Stars.  I could write a whole 'nother blog on Ancient Alien theories ----so I must move on.

So, January 17 we did not have to be at the hospital until 9:00.  So we were able to get out kids - Madeline and Drew off to school regular.  Drew caught the bus and my lovely friend Roseanne - who I also work with took Madeline.

Then John took a shower and I sat down to read more of my book.  Steve Berry's "The Alexandria Link."  I had read it before but it was my get away.  Mindless reading to pass the time.  We left the house at 8:15.  Stopped at Skymart for gas and the Tupelo paper.  Got 3 copies of the Tupelo paper because my name was in it for achieving my National Boards.

Now, I have to say that we had been having wintery weather all week.  Mostly sleet and freezing rain, but for today the forecast had called for snow.  Since we live in the south, snow is still the best thing ever for winter.  If it barely sticks to the road there is no school and usually a run on milk, bread, and wine.  About 5:30 on the 17th it had started to snow.  And the flakes got bigger and bigger.

This is what the house looked like when the kids went to school.  But, no snow day for them.  It did not stick to the roads.

The reason I am mentioning the snow is because I took this as a sign that I needed to calm down and everything was going to be ok.  See, since I was a little kid I have always loved the weather, but snow is my favorite.  The conditions have to be perfect to make the flakes.  They are delicate and beautiful.  And snow is the only precipitation that is silent.

When I was little my Daddy would turn on the patio light and put a chair in front of the door so I could watch it snow.  There is nothing prettier than snow.  I remember doing this the night my sister way born.

So, the snow was sent to me and it made me smile even though I had never been so scared in my life.
Thank you God for the snow!!!  I really enjoyed it!

So we get to the hospital.  check in, sit and wait.  My parents show up and we all realize that everyone is dressed all matchy-matchy except for me.  I just had on jeans and a gray fleece, but everyone else had on a off shade of green:  Daddy's sweater, Mama's jacket and John's fleece.  Mama kept her jacket off most of the time because she did not want to look like her and Daddy purposely dressed the same.

Brother Johnny comes by and we talk and wait.  Then we pray and he must go see someone else.  We thank him.  I have to say it is weird to be the focus of prayers and hear them.  They are so heartfelt that I cry even now when I think of them.

So I might just list out here the order of things and not make complete sentences and just remarks because the 2 or 3 people that read this are probably bored.  So

Finally , go back and I change - disappointed to know I have to remove my underwear, but happy to get the disposable undies - if you have had a baby you know - they are great!

sit around and wait - to blood pressure, temperature, and then get IV - which took a while because my left arm sucks and they can't use my right - took two people and hurt and it gave me a big bruise - but they were very good nurses.

sat a bit and then it got quiet so I listened to Pink Floyd comfortably numb - because I was going to be that way soon and that song makes me relax

finally go to radiology to have a guide wire inserted into the tumor - I loved having Tabitha there!!  She came to be with me to do this and it made all the difference.  It did not hurt - doc came in and do it.  The weird part was this table was huge and I had to lie pretty much face down and then place my right breast through the hole in the table and then have like a mini mammo to stick the tumor.  Nice way to make a first impression with the radiologist whom I had never met.

Then to surgery- this is where I got silly.  I sent my glasses back to John.  So I was riding blind in the wheelchair.  I apologized to the nurses in the back that I was squinting at them because I could not see.  They were both pretty funny because they walked up and showed me there name tags and spoke very slowly - so we were all acting silly.

Met Dr. Morrison - the anetheisiologist - nice guy.  He asked me if I had ever been put to sleep and had any problem, so I went into this long story about the time I had surgery and in recovery I saw some mayo and tomatoes on a sandwich and then I threw up.  I told him I did not know if it was the drugs or the mayo and tomato, but that I really did not want to throw up.  He said he would give me something for that.  

He also gave me something to take the edge off.  By this time I was talking 90 to nothing about everything and everybody.  I even almost fell trying to get on the rolling bed from the wheelchair.  The nurses commented that I did not need to fall because if I hit my head that would be a lot of paperwork to fill out.

So I get to rollin' to the OR and I remember moving onto the operating table.  I was covered up with blankets and then strapped down.  I think I asked them if people roll around a lot.  At this point I do not think I had a voice inside my head.  Everything came out so when they strapped my arms to boards coming off the table I asked them if I was being crucified.  So I am pretty sure that they were getting tired of me asking stupid questions, but the straw that broke their backs was this question.

"Why are you putting egg crates on my hand?  Do you think I will hit you in surgery?"

After this I was given the mask thingy and told to breathe deep.  I think I was still trying to talk and I was told to breathe deeper.  I think the nurse had a tone this time!  But I did not care....

I had become comfortably numb!

Insert Miscellaneous Post Here

This is going to be a rambling post of other stuff I forgot to include plus what I did the 3 days at school waiting to have my surgery.

So,  here is what I did at school.  I played it cool and we measured worms.  Yep, you heard me.  I have about 43 Helicoverpa zea.  I am one of the teachers taking part in the USDA Young Scientist Program.  Each of my students has a worm and we are charting their growth through the larva stage and gauging the date the worms would pupate, or turn into a pupa.

I also needed to finish my Teacher of the Year packet that was due on Tuesday by the close of business day.  The funny part of this was that I started sleeting - again and the entire district would be closed by 1:30.  Students left at 12:15.  So I did get to leave my school about 15 minutes early to drop off the packet.  And just FYI - the thing is like 20 pages typed!!  Hello, almost an entry for National Boards.

I also needed to help Madeline finish assembling her science project board.  The science project long finished, but the board was plain orange.  So that was finished on Tuesday night.  Her project is pretty cool too.  We made a scale model of The Price Is Right Plinko Board.  It was great fun.

During class the other days we just went on about our schedule.  Math and science.  Talked about plate tectonics and number theory.

I have to say that if I back up to the weekend I left out one important aspect.  I had not told my parents, my brother or my sister not one word of what was going on.  Was this a mistake?  Probably not.  I have to say that if you know your family really well like I do mine you know how people operate.  My parents, Beth and Rupe,  would be worried sick and calling the house wanting to know what was going on.  That was an outside stressor I could not handle at the moment.  My sister, Claire, would be sad and would want to help but there was nothing she could really do.  We were all just waiting.  My brother, Allen, lives in Hernando and he would be concerned, but he could do nothing either. 

So I waited until Sunday before the surgery and told them.  All were very sad and concerned, but understood why I had not told them.  I look back and wonder if I should have done that differently and I do not really know.  Obviously, they are up to date now.

I also would be remiss if I did not mention my school family who had been very supportive and praying for me the entire time.  Shout outs go to Heather, Alecia, Gene, Judy, and Lucy for being there.

Also, I have a very special group of "imaginary friends" on Facebook.  I have not met these people and they live all over the country and some in the UK and Austrailia.  Our common bond is Walt Disney World, but the bond is really much deeper than that.  I had literally hundreds of messages of love and support from the Liners;).  Know that it will never be forgotten.

On Wednesday night after typing out the longest sub plans ever.  I needed to make me a playlist for my iPhone.  I was pretty much making the modern version of a "mix tape" from the 80's.  This time I was making a surgery mix tape.  All the good people were invited as well as the weird stuff.  The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Van Morrison, Pink Floyd.  Then the weird - The Rivingtons, Hansen, Golden Earring.  Some people like watching their "stories".  I have always had a love of music so I took my stuff to the hospital with me!

From The Waiting to the Epiphany

I took this day off.  I did not think I could teach and wait on Peggy the nurse to call me. 

I slept for a while and then  I slunk to the den to sit in the recliner - to wait.

Tom Petty said the waiting is the hardest part,  and yes it is. 

I finally Peggy called at 3:30 and said that the surgery would not be Monday and would be Thursday instead.  I could come by the office on Monday after work to get more info and paperwork.

Holy cow.... how much waiting is required of me!!!

So, I really needed to start getting myself together.  The next day - the 12th - we were going to pick up our son Drew from the airport.  Drew had been in Bogota, Colombia, at the Inter-America Scout Jamboree for 12 days.  I wanted to see him and hear all about his trip, but I was battling a demon of my own making.

At this time, I did not know I had cancer.  It was basically a lumpectomy.  I had some issues I needed to get over and fast.  I was sucking the life out of myself and my family.

So, as John and Madeline and I were moseying around the hunting store in Southaven I had to decide.  Over a cabinet of pistols I decided that my attitude was going to make or break me.  If I sat around all sad-sack and being a weiney or I could do what I knew I would do.  Get over it and move on.

I have a life to live and that life is here with me now.  My husband and family love me and need me, ME!  Fun jackie!  Fun Mommy!  not pitiful, whiney Jackie.

So I decided to live!  Was I still afraid?  Yea - but you know I can do that afraid.  So,  just do it afraid. 

Sunday was liberating!  I listened to music again - which always makes me feel better.  having fun working on Madeline's science project .  I got to be me.

Did this change what was going to happen?  That I do not know, but I do know that it made a difference in myself and my attitude.  My new motto is:

Calcitraera asinus, tolle nominibus, et carpe diem.

Latin for - Kick ass, take names, and sieze the day!

Forever a Latin Buster!!!!

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

I am going to put a big ol' cuss word here - Holy Shit.  The places your mind goes when you have fear of the unknown.

From Jan 8th to the 10th was very long.  I did not get to even celebrate Jimmy Page's birthday.  I so love the guitarist for Led Zepellin, but I had to skip it this year.  His birthday is January the 9th.  He was born a few years after Elvis.  Mentioning this just in case you needed to know.  This info does come in handy at times.

So I was told that it would be Thursday before I heard so I was ok on Wednesday.  Just not in the celebrating Jimmy's birthday mood.  As Thursday drew on and I got no call of the all clear, I grew more quiet.  Even Gene asked me if I was ok because I was quiet.  I am usually not very quiet.

I need to mention my friend Brandi here.  She teaches across the hall from me.  The same time I was having my biopsy on the 8th - she was having her CT.  Brandi was diagnosed with endometriosis and they had found a cancerous tumor in her uterus.    She is younger than me.  She was having a total hysterectomy on Monday the 13th.  So I was trying to busy myself to help her and convince our buddy Pat to sub for her the 2-3 weeks she would be out.  Brandi is just about as stubborn as me.  She came on back to school for 3 days and got everything together and was ready to face it.  She knew what she was facing.  (she is doing good now - more later)  She was and still is an inspiration.

So at the end of school I go home and call to get a refill on some medication from Dr. Henderson and then about 15 min later Henderson calls me back.  He tells me that my biopsy was negative, but they think the spot was not hit.

Henderson said that he had talked with Roth and Byars and they were all very concerned that "we" needed to proceed further.  He stated that Roth called the mass "spiculated".  I took this as "OMG, they think I have cancer and I am going to die!"  Henderson was calm and reassuring and said he trusted Byars and would let him operate on his wife or daughters.  He assured me that Byars would call. 

I looked up spiculated and of course it came up with breast cancer and that 80% of these types of masses were cancerous. 

So I called John and said come home.  He did and sat with me and took over household duties because all I could do was lie down and cry and have the feeling of impending doom.  We told the kids that  I felt sick and that worked. 

Byars finally called at 8:30 and explained that he needed to perform a lumpectomy to determine if the mass was malignant or benign.  If it was malignant then he would proceed to take out lymph nodes to stage the cancer.  We could have the surgery Monday and his nurse would call me tomorrow.

Great - more waiting.